Link to The X Factor

London Auditions

Whilst taking a break from canvassing skimpily clad teenage girls, looking fat in suits and hiding his hair plugs; Dermot stumbles across a handsome young man waiting in the queue dressed like a farm hand. Twenty five extremely long off-camera minutes go by while Dermot and the production team struggle to catch the name of this blonde, steely-eyed youth. By the time the public see it, Dermot will just scream ‘SO LINK, TELL US WHY YOU’VE GOT THE X FACTOR’ in his face and a montage of them hugging will win over the public. Link thus far has not said a word.

By season 15 Simon Cowell controls 99% of the music industry and his artists’ songs are downloaded to our computers whether we like it or not. Although it’s entirely pointless, he’s back as lead judge.  Joining him on the panel are Lady Gaga, a special guest from Link’s past that only he seems to be able to see and the head of Louis Walsh which has recently been transplanted on to the body of the only suitable ex-member of Westlife; Brian Mc Fadden.

Live Audition: Enrique Iglesias’s ‘Hero’

Having never actually agreed to be on The X Factor, Link is unfamiliar with the format. Eventually the audience start singing along with the backing track. Link stays silent but occasionally flips his hair out of his eyes. The hearts of the nation melt.

4 yeses. Receives a shield and sword.

Judges’ feedback:  “Hey! Listen! Press Z and A to target and talk to people far away.”

Bootcamp

After a minor security incident during the first wave of bootcamp where he mistook special guest Michelle McManus for a LikeLike, Link is no longer allowed to bring a sword to auditions. In the dance sessions Link has taken to twirling violently and doing forwards rolls. Touted as the new wave of break-dance by Brian Friedman, Link garners even more favour amongst the judges. X Factor vocal coach Yvie Burnett describes Link’s singing ability as “consistent”. After three weeks of behind-the-scenes arguing as to which category Link should be in and how old he actually is, it’s decided that he will be in the boys 18-25s. Wikipedia is cited.

Bootcamp Song: David Bowie’s “Heroes”

Link is put straight through to the judge’s house round after pelting Louis Walsh with pumpkin seeds for the entire audition.  Lady Gaga is given the Boys to mentor so Link will be staying at her subterranean brothel/S&M dungeon in Germany.  He has commandeered a new sword and upgraded to the Hyrulian Shield at The Shop.

Judges’ Feedback: “Eastmost peninsula is the secret.”

 

Judges Houses

As Lady Gaga’s house operates a strict ‘no camera’ policy, this portion of Link’s X Factor journey cannot be revealed to the public. However, from transcriptions and audio recordings it emerges that Link is the only contestant to get through this stage without physical injury after Gaga’s house was discovered full of water, broken pots and Link’s secret evil twin. The X Factor PR machine goes into overdrive and a story regarding a thwarted terrorist attack is concocted. Gaga tells everyone that Link performed a moving rendition of ‘Telephone’. No-one dares question the bow and arrows she now carries.

Link is the only male contestant to have not sustained life threatening injuries at Lady Gaga’s house. He’s through.

Judges’ Feedback: “I am Error.”

The Live Shows

By the time the Live Shows begin, public interest in The X Factor has waned from previous years. With viewers being asked to text in to vote for items such as ‘Which chair should Simon sit in?’ and ‘Will Dermot touch someone inappropriately this week?’ as well as for the contestants, Link has managed to get to the final stages of the competition without having actually opened his mouth and despite his frequent bouts of violent conduct. With 45 minutes of the programmes hour and a half running time now featuring adverts and slow motion replays of each contestant crying, Link is tipped as the bookies’ favourite to win the whole show. This year, 16 contestants were due to go through to the Live Shows but this number was lowered to 13 by the events at the judges’ houses…then later lowered again to 8 when several contestants were hospitalised after an accident in Link’s dressing room involving what police are calling ‘a satchel full of explosives’. No ‘wild card’ contestants could be contacted.

In the week leading up to the live shows, the UK tabloids have revealed that Link has also received no coaching from his mentor Lady Gaga who has been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and has been missing for 4 days.

The Live Shows proceed in normal X Factor fashion; some bad singing, a few pyrotechnics and a feud developing between whatever girls remain in the competition. Link carries himself through the first week with his rendition of Cher’s ‘Turn Back Time’ despite forgoing the usual key-change in favour of a 3 minute ocarina solo. Controversy abounds as audience-members claim that they don’t remember anything about the show and have become younger. X Factor producers and the press discount countless witness testimonies as drug-fuelled nonsense. One of the over 25’s goes home. Lady Gaga has now not been seen for a fortnight.

Link poses for Heat wearing nothing but Iron Boots. He sails through to the final 4 without showing up for two of the weeks.

THE LIVE FINAL

Lady Gaga has returned to the public eye after being arrested for breaking and entering a family home in Clapham. Nothing was taken but significant damage was done to an antique pot collection. As part of her community service, Gaga is permitted to resume her judging duties.

A now completely bald Dermot introduces the final four contestants- Link, Mary Cornea, John Jo Jimmy Bob and Gareth Dorf.

Having not attended any rehearsals and barely any of the live shows, this is the first time that Link has come face to face with any of the final contestants. In what The Sun will call ‘a terrifying misunderstanding that will haunt producers of the X Factor for literally minutes’ Gareth Dorf’s VT features shots of the red-maned youth enjoying a variety of activities; sword-fighting, capturing princesses and cosplay.

“GARETH DORF!”

Link springs into action and plants the Master Sword firmly into the chest of Gareth Dorf. Uttering a weak gurgle he collapses back against the X Factor stage; his final breath leaving him as he gazes up into the face of the Hero of Time.

Striding across the stage, an unrepentant Link retrieves the Heart Container and jumps into the curtain of pure blue light that has appeared stage left.  With one dead contestant and two others refusing to continue, Link is crowned as the winner of The X Factor. His debut single; spliced together from audition footage, instrumentals and various noises of effort becomes Christmas number one and makes Link the most successful X Factor winner to date.